In the back of my mind, in a subconscious that sleeps traitorously during my waking hours, I do not think I deserve to be happy. I know where it stems from: a childhood spent with a mother who always incorrectly believed that the father I happened to inherit most of my physical traits from was cheating on her. From a mother who spent fifteen years of my life telling me that I was worthless, calling me a bitch, telling me that she should have aborted me when she had the chance, and attempting on more than one occasion to choke the life out of me with water, phone cords, dress collars, or, once, with her own hands. From a mother who even now thinks that my whole life should revolve around her, and cannot understand how she could have raised a daughter so selfish that I would even consider moving to London to train as an actor when that might mean I wouldn’t see her at all for four years. This is the most likely place that the subconscious worry that I will never be happy, or find someone who loves me stems from. But even though I know this, even though I can think of many other horrible things from my past that this belief might stem from, the thought still persists in the back of my mind.
I know this because I can have a perfectly lovely time with someone new that I’m seeing, we could have what is arguably a perfect night together, and still I will wake the next day with this anxiety that something is wrong or that I screwed something up or that he doesn’t really like me and is just using me for something. Those thoughts wedge themselves into my mind, and I find it difficult to shake them. That is how it has always been, and I get tired of hoping or asking for some kind of reassurance from this new relationship when I’m well aware that this is all in my mind. I hate that, in fact, and would love to know how to get past this.
How do you conquer something that hides in the back of your own mind, lying in wait to strike when you least expect and dancing away before you know what has cut your insides into smithereens? I don’t know the answer yet, but you can be sure I’m seeking it.