I’ll be honest, I’m a bit tired of the workshop environment that I’ve been in for the past two years. I’m burnt out. I want to act in a production, to sink my teeth into an entire character not just the one scene it’s been decided I’ll portray them in for a four month class. It does not help that the professor is retiring, I’m sure, and thus has taken a few specific people under her wing to push up for the rest of us to fracking emulate… and it definitely doesn’t help that I’m one of those people. I just want to train, and use that training to work. As it stands, I feel I’ve trained in everything except HOW to get work, and that seems a bit counterproductive to me. So what we’re working on this semester is how to do the job once you’ve gotten it, which is what we’ve been working up to for four semesters now. I’m not sure if this sounds defeatist of me, but I’m done. She teaches nothing new, and I need a new teacher; I’m ready for a new teacher.
Don’t get me wrong, for the basics, for an intro for those who REALLY want to study this as an art-form, she’s amazing and perfect and tough and everything she needs to be. However, if you want to improve, to move on from there, it seems she can only give you so much. I’ve stopped feeling challenged, despite my own challenges this semester. It has stopped feeling like something to take on, to grasp hold of, and to overcome. It hasn’t even progressed into that stage that every art-form hits at one point or another where it just feels like work. That happens, yes… but here… it feels like she gave up on us when she decided to retire, or she gave up on pushing us. Not sure which, but does it really matter at this point?
It also doesn’t help, I suppose, that she has been being super inappropriate with me, lately. Not sure why, exactly… she’s been inappropriate with a couple of the guys in my class for ages, but apparently they like it (or so they told me on several occasions). I, however, do not like it, and I don’t really know what to do about it. I badly want to just drop the class, take the ‘W’ it’ll earn me, and never take another of her classes again, if I’m honest. I just… I don’t want to do this with her, anymore. I may mention it to a counselor next week or the following week, when things calm down in my schedule a bit.
I’m not sure what else to do. I don’t just want to drop it because I feel scared of something happening or not happening again, but I’m kind of over even the idea of it all. Perhaps it’s time I left the nest, as it were, and moved on to other things. Maybe I’m just a restless chick with the strength to fly away from the nest, but remaining trapped to it by some invisible cord to which I cannot put my teeth. I want to escape now that I see the workshop for what it really is, and the people in it for who they really are. Disenchanted, that’s what I’ve become. I don’t want to surround myself with fake people, egotistical people, lazy people, and, I suppose, every stereotype that can, has, will be assigned to most people who call themselves actors.
I don’t want to be a stereotype, and I don’t want any of those things (lack of honesty, my ego, laziness, or anything else) to get in the way of becoming the best actor I can become. I can’t stand seeing it in others, those people who treat me as though I’m on a lower rung than they are just because of the preferential treatment they receive in class, and I won’t have it in myself.
It just makes me question whether or not I even want to do this anymore. How does that work?