I had no idea how much I was protecting myself until this past week. There is this wonderful man in my life, I know I’ve been talking about him quite a lot lately. This week I went through something very hard, I broke down, and a part of myself, a part I feel barely able to hold together most of the time, cracked. I felt myself breaking, and I wish it was something I wasn’t so accustomed to. The person who held me together, pressed himself so hard against me and held me until I was able to pull the pieces back together despite everything tugging at me, is a character in my life that keeps surprising me with his positive energy. His name is Trevor.
I did not realize how much I was protecting myself from everyone around me until this week. Scars cover my insides in ways I hadn’t previously been aware of, and I have been afraid to really get close to anyone for over a year. I know what it stems from, but I also know that it has nothing to do with Trevor.
Well, I allowed myself to be open with him recently, to let him in a little more than before, and realized that I’d been holding him at arm’s length without realizing it. I had even been railing against him in a way, getting frustrated and withdrawing every time he tried to get closer to me or include me in some part of his life.
This realization has made things easier on me. I have started openly letting him in bit by bit, though I still hit walls from time to time. Anything that requires more effort on my part honestly gives me pause, and I notice myself getting irritable again. However, my awareness of the problem and where it stems from is increasing, and I am now actively working through my own emotional scars.
I think this is a chance worth taking, and someone worth the risk. He seems to think the same about me as well, because he’s opening up to me quite a bit.
So from now on I am making an effort, spreading myself once again to let a new individual into the part of myself that I’ve been building up walls for so long to keep safe. It makes me shaky, my heart is fluttering in strange ways, and it’s hard to control my breathing… but I think I can do this. It means investing time and interest. It means doing things that aren’t necessarily or normally my favorite things to do. It means getting to really know someone else, and letting them in to get to know me, as well. It’s a risk worth taking.