Permanence & Change

I feel a little bit like I’ve been avoiding this place, lately.  Not necessarily on purpose – just, I don’t think I’ve wanted to delve into my subconscious during the past couple of months.  Things in there are – dark and kind of bad, right now.  Something’s struggling to come to the surface with which I’m not entirely sure I’m prepared to deal.  I’m lonely and tired and depressed and constantly second-guessing myself.  This doesn’t seem unusual, really.  It’s just more intense than it has been in a while.  I keep wondering why I’m even trying.

This is, of course, the kind of attitude I’ve spent the past few years trying to fight off.  I know those doubts are in there; I even have a decent idea who put them in there – and parents, especially mothers, should fucking know better.  I’m tired of fighting, of people taking advantage and calling it caring, and I’m absolutely sick of – just – life, at the moment.

I’m fighting it.  I’m weary.  I can’t see anything good, right now.  I think what I need is a little break… unfortunately, only the privileged class get those.  I don’t know what to do.


3 thoughts on “Permanence & Change

  1. I can’t tell you what to do, nobody can. I can tell you what I did in similar sounding situations…

    That break thing is important. We can’t all just fly off for a couple of weeks of vacation so I found that reserving some time at the end of every day just for myself helped. In that time I would meditate, clear my mind, first by being still/quiet and summarizing the days events. Then I slowly take each of those thoughts, as if they were toys to be put away in my closet, gathered them up and lovingly put them away in a closet in my mind. If there was one that particularly troubled me I’ll spend a few minutes writing down the summary of it on a piece of paper, then using that for a label, wrap it up and put it away in the closet. I often write on those labels the one or two things that I want to do with that toy when next I get it out. After my bedroom is clean and tidy… I stay still for some time and simply force various parts of my body to relax.. focus on them till they relax. I will often carry this state of being to my bed, and there be still/quiet for a bit more before laying my head down to sleep. When the house is tidy, it doesn’t matter if you get unexpected company as much. Organizing my thoughts in this structured way has helped me in the darkest of hours….

    • Tatiana says:

      Thank you very much for your advice in this matter. Apparently, my subconscious was working along a similar train of thought because shortly after posting this I looked up some more serious meditation techniques than the ones I’d already been employing. They seem to be helping.

      I also appreciate your responding to what is probably my lowest moment I’ve posted about to date. Your insightful advice definitely helped me out of a low point back there.

      Thank you again… for reading and for responding. I hope you’re having a very lovely week. ^-^

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