The Looming Pit of Despair


I’ve been trying really hard during this crisis to be proactive and take this thing head-on.  I’ve remained determinedly optimistic, which is very unlike me, and pressed onward because Echo needs me, right now.  I’ve taken action, I’ve begun practicing the art of asking, and I’ve even applied for grants and financial aid of every kind to get my dog closer to the surgery he needs.

Now that I’ve reached the limit of what I can do alone, however, I can feel that looming pit of despair creeping up on me.  I can feel the panic and the desperation wearing on me and the optimism is eating up all of my energy.  I don’t know what else to do and everything’s moving so slowly that I already feel as though the fundraising movement has failed – or will fail.  I’m tired all the damn time and watching my dog’s discomfort just makes the whole situation about a hundred times worse.

Since I’ve done all that I can do – applied for all of the online grants I could find for which I qualified, printed 100 fliers at work (because I don’t even have enough money to print them myself) with all of his fundraiser information on them, hung up all 100 fliers around the busiest ares I know of, emailed everyone I know to donate to or share the fundraiser, spammed Twitter and Tumblr and Facebook with the link and our story, pulled everything from my closet and room that’s in good shape to sell on eBay, and even started making scarves to sell on Etsy (though I’ve given up on that as it takes too long and they’re looking like shit)… I literally don’t know what else to do.

I’ve hit the depression wall that’s been looming in front of me ever since I found out he’d need surgery that would cost this much money… I mean, I make barely enough to pay for our food every month. Often times, I have to choose between feeding me for the week or feeding my dog (obviously the dog wins… he doesn’t understand budget concerns).  How the fuck am I supposed to pay for a surgical procedure?

Honestly, it’s the reason I considered giving him up when I first returned to school… I didn’t know if I could afford to take care of him.  Now, I just wonder what the fuck?  It’s fucking ridiculous that I should even have to consider something like this when my vet specifically told me that the reason he even has stones in his bladder is because of the way that dog food is fucking made.  After this, I literally have to make his food every day to prevent it from happening again because the dog-food industry produces food with obscure things like ASH in the food and doesn’t give a fuck who it hurts in the process.  Why exactly aren’t they held liable for this shit?  And why exactly, when these kinds of short-cut practices around this country are cutting jobs, short-changing workers, and raising the prices of their goods all at the same time, why aren’t these bastards covering my dog’s procedure instead?  If there was any fucking justice in the world, Purina would be paying for this… rather than leaving me sitting here to panic about how to raise enough money for his surgery before his condition puts him in so much pain that it would be more humane to just kill him.

And that injustice – that pit of despair – there it is.  I can see it now.

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