I have not updated this in … (sigh) … a while. I struggle with keeping in touch with anyone, IRL or on the internet. I’ve been burned by so many people, those who call themselves family, friends, partners, etc., that I think I’ve just decided it’s not worth risking most of the time. Really, who cares about people so long as I’m making it by, right?
Thing is, I met someone awesome (my current partner), and he’s convinced me that maybe people aren’t all that bad – I’ve just had a significant run of bad luck when it comes to them (and by significant, he pretty much means most of my life – from age nil to now).
He’s impressed at how I’ve handled things, but says I shouldn’t have had to do that alone. He’s heard all of the stories about my ex (the significant and emotionally abusive one that got me out to CA to begin with), and they make him angry. He’s even impressed at my bad luck at work with the rude and genuinely horrible people who work there.
I’m certain, based on his reactions, that my experiences are not the norm – I just don’t know how to bullshit people, and thus I don’t work in regular society where half the people are fake and you can only get shit done by effectively lying to everyone around you about how you feel or what you see or how much you like them or whatever. My bullshit filter is set to kill and my trust levels are permanently set to ‘we’ll see how the next year or two goes.’
That being said, if I’m going to learn to build a life that isn’t ENTIRELY free of people who can hurt me or abuse me in some way, I probably need to get to a better place emotionally, as well.
The social anxiety and depression have been bad, though I’m happy to say they aren’t effecting my school work too much. I’ve had three semesters in a row of very difficult writing classes where I’ve been required to share my opinions on the writing and style of published authors, as well as my own original works, raw and unedited. I’ve even had a number of things published under my pen name (which I will not share here for reasons of privacy), and it feels as though perhaps my voice is worth hearing somehow.
To that end, this will be the last long post I write in a while. This is for a number of reasons:
- I don’t feel that giving myself a platform on a blog is helping me emotionally the way I would like. For that, it seems, I need fiction and PbP roleplaying. Even playing D&D is more cathartic, though my character is nothing like myself in any way except that he can sing (probably because I can sing come to think of it).
- I feel as though the pressure to update semi-regularly is more detrimental to me and my mental health than just posting small, insignificant updates would be. This is for me, and this has not been working for a while. Time to change shit up.
- I need a place to hold myself accountable without stressing myself out about visiting it every day (or even every month – year?). This is my platform so this is it.
Any support will be welcome. Any nastiness will be banned. I’m not in the business of being arguing with strangers on the internet – you deal with your own shit, don’t put that shit on me; I will no longer tolerate it.
So here goes. My next post will be exactly that. An accountability update.
Thanks for reading my long-winded note about how pretty much nothing to follow will be long-winded. ^_~ I hope you have a lovely day! ^_^