On Assumed Intimacy & Other Relationship Lies

I’m beginning to think that all my relationships (barring those with some family members and one or two friends) have been with people who see some idealized version of me, and assume that’s the person with whom they’re in a relationship.  They don’t see or want to see the real me, and when they can no longer ignore her that’s when they’re disappointed or annoyed.  These individuals try to force me into being someone I’m not, becoming surprised and/or angry when I refuse to bow down to their mental image of ‘the perfect (girl)friend.’

To add to this, in this new city in which I now live the trend is to assume an unearned level of intimacy; a trend that I cannot understand.  Why would anyone want to pretend with another person, who has not yet actually proven they can be trustworthy, that they have shared experiences that have not been shared?  It makes no sense to me.  You cannot tell someone that the two of you ‘are really close’ when all you’ve done is share a few weeks’ worth of conversations.  That is not intimacy, it is a budding friendship – relationship, if you will.  Even sex is not enough to achieve intimacy, though it is mistakenly believed to be enough by many people.

Assuming that you’re at a greater level of intimacy with someone with whom you’re not is a shortcut that can only be pretended.  With all this fabrication going on how can anyone maintain a relationship?

This is the real reason why marriages fail – constant assumptions, miscommunications, fantasizing, and expectations of instantaneous fixes to any problems.  Until people can accept other people for who they really are this institution will continue to fall and these relationships will continue to fail.  I, for one, am fed to bursting with the idea that someone can just tell me how intimate we have become, or how I should behave in our relationship.  Your fantasies hold no sway over my mind or my actions.

Thanks for reading my relationship rant, and have a lovely day.

Crushes

I have warring feelings about crushes. On the one hand, I love beginnings. They’re so wonderful to me that they’re worth dragging out. I don’t want to kiss you straight away, if I’m interested in you. First, I want to brush against you ‘by accident,’ maybe an affectionate and teasing poke when you say something to tease me, or cuddling up against you just to see if you’ll let me. The kiss comes later… after the butterflies have settled down a bit under the above circumstances.

On the other hand, crushes give you expectations, desires, and hopes about a whole other person, things which we have no right to feel about someone not ourselves. It’s confusing, it’s painful. It’s the possibility of something great resting between two people, and that is a horrible thing.

I Joined A New RPG

What’s funny about this is how long it took me to actually join the site. Now that I’m a part of it, I’m back to posting a few times a day with both characters I created there, and plotting with every active writer on the site. It’s populated by mostly UK writers, who are all complimenting my writing so far, and it makes me feel much better about my writing, where I had previously been doubting myself.

It’s also reminding me that I can create just as well as I used to, if not better, quickly, and more effectively now. Something else I’ve been worrying about as I struggle with my own personal writing projects. I can’t believe I let a little incident with people who claimed (but utterly failed) to actually be my online friends from my recent past dictate my current creative endeavors. I definitely won’t allow people like that to influence me ever again in the future. This RPG is one of the best places I’ve ever stumbled across, and the people on it are all novelists or striving to be. I can’t believe I found it, and I’m thrilled.

It’s going to be my new haunt for a considerable amount of time in the future, in between my own writing projects, my degree path, and my theatre undertakings. I’m so excited to be starting something new. This is definitely the month of new situations, friends, and projects. July: the month of new starts.

Bleeding Heart

There’s a kind of healing in endings. It slips into the soul, stitching openings that have been lying open for so long I’ve barely noticed them pouring blood even though it’s made me weaker and weaker. The needle stitches them shut for me as I close a chapter of my life that has remained open for far too long, and the sudden sharp pains, new to me, feel like horrible new wounds larger than the last. You can live with certain kinds of pain for so long that you become accustomed to their existence, festering though they are.

The painful chapters in my life that have occurred over the past year or so were never fully put to rest. I kept checking on them, feeling the pain but telling myself that I was strong enough to take it. I didn’t realize what I was doing until a pattern in my life recently jumped out to slap me in the face. It’s time to stop caring so much for the happiness of others that I forget to take care of myself. Especially when so many of these people do these things to themselves. I’m no one’s mother, nor their guardian angels. I have set far too much aside already to take care of people who seem incapable of doing it for themselves. I’m sick and tired of having that responsibility. It’s destroying my soul; it’s eating at my heart. And these people keep proving time and time again that they don’t deserve the time or the love I continually give them, yet I keep doing it, knowing they’re only going to rip me apart again, and seemingly helpless to prevent it. I simply cannot take anymore. I’m done.

Is it difficult to live for yourself, making people prove themselves before you trust them? Because I think that is what I should be doing… though I don’t really know how. Remaining open to life and experiences and people, while still making them prove themselves before trusting them… it seems an impossible combination.

I have simply run out of ideas about what to do.

Tomorrow

Here I am stressing, keeping it to myself, trying to pull it all the way in when it occurs to me that I have a blog that could be used for getting some of this emotion out.  Why am I feeling stressed?  Well, tomorrow is the first time in about three months that I will perform in front of my acting facilitator, and I’m not entirely happy with how my monologue is going.  It is also the first time in a month that I will be performing in front of a group of people who used to be my best friends in the world.  I’m not going to lie, I’m hoping they decide to skip out.  I don’t want to deal with their negative energy, or their egotistical rants about how little work they assume I put in compared with them because I know very well how much they want to see me as ordinary now.

The only reason I’m not happy with this monologue at the moment is because I know I can put more into it.  I hate the beginning work on a scene, the work that happens when you’re just finishing the very basic character work and haven’t fully bitten into the character quite yet.  I hate the blandness, the skeleton that the scene has to be.  If I’m going to perform, I’d prefer to do it after the bones have been filled in with a little muscle here and there.  Then again, I know there are good reasons that directors want to see the bones.  It is far better to build upon a solid foundation.

I just wish the energy from last semester had flowed into this one, and the friendships – garnered, strengthened, intensified – had lasted.  Of course, the Earth revolves, time passes, life goes on, and things, constantly in flux, change.  Sadly, in this instance, that means losing a troupe of friends that I had thought to be, more or less, permanent.  Our energies seemed so well aligned.  It may not be permanent, but how we can come back from the recently exchanged blows, I cannot fathom.  The Universe sends people to us who we need in our lives, and she takes those no longer necessary away.  May my troupe be replaced by those who can teach me and support me and fill my life with a lovely new energy, and to whom I can offer the same gifts.  I may have already found one, if he will have me, and never lost another, who is practically family.  It is a hope, and there are many more.

Of course, the only reason this post is happening, you may like to know, is because Game of Thrones Series 3 is not out.  Now, I watch the show online because I do not have cable or a television, and the place I watch it has Series 3 Episode 1 listed as available to watch.  Since, however, that episode doesn’t even come out until the end of the month all the site could really show me was a 2 minute teaser trailer.  Well, that was not what I had originally planned.  No.  I had planned on being distracted for another hour, and then going to bed.  Perhaps the audiobook will be a better distraction, and help me get to sleep before my heart manages to beat itself free of my chest.

May the Sun guide you ever on your journeys, the Moon cover you as you sleep, and the Stars offer comfort when all seems dark.  Thank you for reading and have a lovely evening.  ^-^