Another Relationship Rant

Sometimes little things just annoy me.  This bothered me today.

“It’s good to see that you’re still alive,” says the woman who is likely my ex now.

So, I should probably start by pointing out that I’m a little bad at confrontation, and I’m still learning to say things like, ‘No,’ which is how every single one of my previous exes has pushed me around.  I mean, it’s really amazing how good I am at finding people who will, consciously or unconsciously, happily push me around and force me into doing the things they want me to do, and nothing else.

This last situation, she told everyone including her family that I was her new girlfriend before ever checking with me on the matter.  As stated in my last post on relationships, this is the second San Francisco area relationship where the new ‘love interest’ decided we were closer than we truly were – an assumption with which I am not okay.

Now, when she finally did ask if it was okay to call me her girlfriend, I felt a bit cornered into the new title.  After all, she ‘okayed’ it with me during a party at which all of her friends were in attendance, and I couldn’t very well pull her aside to discuss how unsure I was about being in a relationship, right then, particularly when she’d already told everyone there that we were.  So, coward that I am when it comes to confrontation, I nodded and added some related anecdote – an okay.

I sort of fell out of interest with her after that.  I tried really hard to be as attracted to her as I had been before that happened, even tried to blame myself.  “Oh, it must be my depression shutting me down, again.”  Now, yes, I have been rather depressed for about the past … 20 years or so.  However, it wasn’t until Thanksgiving, when she tried to push me to go to her family’s holiday dinner, that I started to figure out what exactly was going on.

I mean, a Thanksgiving invite can be a nice thing, and I would appreciate it if, upon telling her that I had been feeling depressed and being social at that point in time would be a bad idea for everyone involved, she had backed off.  Instead, she got defensive and moody with me because I didn’t want to go.  So, rather than endure a fight, I turned off my phone that weekend.  When I turned it back on the following week, I had a text message from her and several voicemails to which I still have not listened.  The text message asked if I had had a moment to talk, but had been sent the prior week.  I didn’t want to deal with the confrontation so I didn’t respond, which is – again – a cowardly thing to do, I admit, but it’s not as though she didn’t know what was going on.  I had outright told her during our ‘argument’ that I needed to be alone when I felt like this.  She deals with depression issues, as well, so she should have understood… or so I assumed.

People who deal with depression shouldn’t be judgmental about other people who deal with depression.  My dad understands when I’m ‘too busy’ to call him sometimes for months on end, because he has the same problem.  My best friend texts me every couple of months then disappears, and I understand no matter what I’m going through.  Sometimes, people who deal with depression really just need to disappear for a while and deal with it.  After all, it’s not as though I’ve never reemerged.  I always come back.

Today, two (or has it been three?) weeks later, I emerged.  I woke up and told myself that I was going to all of my classes no matter what.  I told myself that it was going to be a productive, social day.  I pushed myself out of bed, forced actual clothes onto my body, and shoved myself onto the bus; I was at school.

Now, I understand that I may not have been as communicative as I could have been.  I’m bad at talking about my own problems, or really anything that isn’t done via writing.  I also don’t like talking to people verbally who know anything about my communicative issues, because if it’s something they’re not going to like they always use my inability to communicate verbally on the spot against me.  So I write everything, I plan out difficult conversations with a list of points to address, or I simply write it down and give that to them.  I think I’ve developed a bit of a handicap by doing this, but it’s difficult to practice tough conversations beforehand so I don’t know how to improve this.

I had to go to the class we share together.  I almost talked myself out of it.  I went.

In this class, I have a close friend who almost made me cry when, upon seeing me, she gave me a huge hug, told me how much she missed me, and instructed me to sit next to her and tell me about the past couple of weeks.  So I did.  Fifteen minutes later, the probably-ex-girlfriend walked in, but I didnt’ see her at first.  All I know is that in the middle of the conversation she interrupted us to say, as sarcastically as she could manage, “It’s good to see that you’re still alive.”

Have I mentioned that I’m A.D.D., and that I’m bad at on-the-spot conversations and interactions?

My friend was still talking.  I managed an “Oh, hi!” to the probably-ex, turned my head as my friend kept talking (trying not to lose the thread of the conversation), and when I turned back, to let her know I hadn’t forgotten about/was not ignoring her, my probably-ex was already walking away – not my best moment.  I let her go; I was too distracted to think through it properly.

Then during a class that I really didn’t want to be sitting in, I started thinking.  I thought, wait a minute!  Granted, I never responded to her last text message, and it’s always possible that there’s a voice mail on my phone from her to which I have yet to listen.  She did not, however, send any messages to see what was going on with me.  She did not take into account the deep depression, which I did warn her about when it started.  She ignored the fact that I had mentioned I could not endure the company of others in that state, at-fucking-all.  She did not try to find out if I was better, or if I even received her messages.  She has also gone months without listening to her voice mails, missing several I have left her.  She’s ignored or forgotten about or simply not responded to texts I’ve sent her, as well as emails.  So, as an opening statement, I found her response today to be completely out of line, and really rather annoying.  That’s rich coming from you (we’re taking a Shakespeare class together… I’m allowed one cliche).

So I left class without saying anything to her, knowing that, annoyed as I was, anything that came out of my mouth was likely to be far too blunt and/or unkind.  I don’t think she deserves for me to be unkind to her, so I walked away.

I think she assumed my walking away was a kind of unkindness, in and of itself.  It could be perceived as such.  It could be.

The thing is: I’m so tired of people pushing me into doing something they want me to do without considering my feelings on the matter, and then getting all upset about something I finally do to stand up for myself.  It’s not my fault that I felt pushed into a corner, and trapped into a relationship with someone.  It’s not my fault that I need a bit more time, and perhaps some real moments to feel as though I’m close to someone new.  In fact, I feel as though that is how most people who live in reality feel about being in personal situations, with very few exceptions.

Why should I just automatically trust you when you went behind my back to create this situation, in the first place?  Why should I take your feelings into account now, when you didn’t bother to consider mine in the beginning?

I’m being blunt now, and that’s something on which I need to work, I know.  However, I think that it’s best if I work on it alone, without someone who’s trying to fit me into their fantasy world without bothering to considering the reality in which I live.  Relationships are mutual.  You cannot make someone live in your fantasy without considering theirs, and you cannot force someone to feel a certain way about you without earning at least some part of it.  Maybe, I just exist too much in reality?  And, maybe, irony is just really overrated.

On Assumed Intimacy & Other Relationship Lies

I’m beginning to think that all my relationships (barring those with some family members and one or two friends) have been with people who see some idealized version of me, and assume that’s the person with whom they’re in a relationship.  They don’t see or want to see the real me, and when they can no longer ignore her that’s when they’re disappointed or annoyed.  These individuals try to force me into being someone I’m not, becoming surprised and/or angry when I refuse to bow down to their mental image of ‘the perfect (girl)friend.’

To add to this, in this new city in which I now live the trend is to assume an unearned level of intimacy; a trend that I cannot understand.  Why would anyone want to pretend with another person, who has not yet actually proven they can be trustworthy, that they have shared experiences that have not been shared?  It makes no sense to me.  You cannot tell someone that the two of you ‘are really close’ when all you’ve done is share a few weeks’ worth of conversations.  That is not intimacy, it is a budding friendship – relationship, if you will.  Even sex is not enough to achieve intimacy, though it is mistakenly believed to be enough by many people.

Assuming that you’re at a greater level of intimacy with someone with whom you’re not is a shortcut that can only be pretended.  With all this fabrication going on how can anyone maintain a relationship?

This is the real reason why marriages fail – constant assumptions, miscommunications, fantasizing, and expectations of instantaneous fixes to any problems.  Until people can accept other people for who they really are this institution will continue to fall and these relationships will continue to fail.  I, for one, am fed to bursting with the idea that someone can just tell me how intimate we have become, or how I should behave in our relationship.  Your fantasies hold no sway over my mind or my actions.

Thanks for reading my relationship rant, and have a lovely day.

Bleeding Heart

There’s a kind of healing in endings. It slips into the soul, stitching openings that have been lying open for so long I’ve barely noticed them pouring blood even though it’s made me weaker and weaker. The needle stitches them shut for me as I close a chapter of my life that has remained open for far too long, and the sudden sharp pains, new to me, feel like horrible new wounds larger than the last. You can live with certain kinds of pain for so long that you become accustomed to their existence, festering though they are.

The painful chapters in my life that have occurred over the past year or so were never fully put to rest. I kept checking on them, feeling the pain but telling myself that I was strong enough to take it. I didn’t realize what I was doing until a pattern in my life recently jumped out to slap me in the face. It’s time to stop caring so much for the happiness of others that I forget to take care of myself. Especially when so many of these people do these things to themselves. I’m no one’s mother, nor their guardian angels. I have set far too much aside already to take care of people who seem incapable of doing it for themselves. I’m sick and tired of having that responsibility. It’s destroying my soul; it’s eating at my heart. And these people keep proving time and time again that they don’t deserve the time or the love I continually give them, yet I keep doing it, knowing they’re only going to rip me apart again, and seemingly helpless to prevent it. I simply cannot take anymore. I’m done.

Is it difficult to live for yourself, making people prove themselves before you trust them? Because I think that is what I should be doing… though I don’t really know how. Remaining open to life and experiences and people, while still making them prove themselves before trusting them… it seems an impossible combination.

I have simply run out of ideas about what to do.

Remaining Tasks

Well, for better or worse, the semester is over.  I am pretty sure I did not pass one of my classes (due to my scene-partner quitting on me at a point in the semester that I could no longer replace her, essentially screwing me over), but I’m hoping I’m fine with the other three.  I’m hoping.  I really struggled this semester.

Now, I have a few things left to do.  First, I might possibly have to attend Jury Duty tomorrow, though I’ll be honest I hope I won’t.  At first, I was really excited about it, right?  I’ve never done it before, and it would be nice to see how the process works.  The problems?  I’m a student, short on cash, at the very end of my semester before my extra hours at work kick in, without a car, and the summons are in a city that will take me about 3 hours to get to via public transportation and cost me over $50.  They do not list any options for me, and the lady I spoke to about these issues over the phone essentially told me that it’s my problem.  Now, one, I cannot afford this.  If I go, I won’t have money for food until the end of the month.  That’s only a week away, sure, but you try not eating for a week and tell me how you fair.  And, two, I have now been placed on what is called ‘telephone standby,’ which means that I might not have to go, but if I do end up being summoned I may have to arrive in under two hours.  So now, if I’m summoned, I will likely have to call a taxi, which will cost me even more.  Should be interesting as I don’t have any more money in my account, at the moment.  I’m really hoping I’m not called, at this point.

Next, I have less than a week now to pack up my entire room, sell what I can, donate what I cannot, and move it all out of this place before June 1st.  All this while working a now full-time schedule at my job, and training for a new position in my accounting office, for which most people have to attend school for two to four years.  My mind is so bogged down with plans, details, worries, and hopes that I’m really just trying to cross my fingers that everything works out better than I can even imagine because I’ve had enough of set-backs and struggles this month.  I need a break, and I think I’ve earned one… right?  It can only get better from here.

So… the adventure begins?  Sure.

If you’ve made it this far, I apologize for the personal things I’ve been posting lately.  The writing and acting posts will resume after these irregularly occurring events.  As always, thank you for reading, and have a lovely day.  ^-^

2 Days Down, 38 To Go

Well, I’m two days into my self-reflective journaling, and I’m feeling pretty good about it.  Particularly because day two challenged me already in that I was at my man’s place when it was time to journal, and I literally told him what I was doing, why, and to leave me alone for a bit so that I could work on it.  He’s wonderful, he left me alone until I let him come back.  

This is the quickest update I can manage, and I think I’ll have to leave you all with this tonight.  I feel horrible, like I’m going to be sick and like my head is trying to explode.  I have to perform my monologue again tomorrow after completely redesigning it, and this is how I’m feeling the night before.  Let me tell you… I don’t want to go in puking all over the place, and on a week I told my professor that I would, for sure, be back to work on it.  Ayayay!  Wish me luck on both my journaling and my monologue…?  

I hope you’re day has been lovely, and thank you for reading.  ^-^

Intent

The journal “40 Days and 40 Nights: Taking Time Out For Self-Discovery” asks four questions about my intentions in working on this journal, each of which I will answer for myself in the following list:

  1. What is it I wish to enhance?  My focus.
  2. What is it I wish to let go of?  Chaos.
  3. What is it I wish to discover or uncover?  Myself and My Own Mind.
  4. What is it I wish to manifest?  Balance.

Now, I did not let myself think too hard about these answers, they were a kind of ‘word-association game’ that I played with myself letting the first thing that came to mind after reading the question end up on this electronic paper.

So according to the above, my intention for this 40+ day journey is to find some balance within myself, and manifest it my own life.  Wow, that was easier than I thought it would be.

Now that I have figured out what it is I’m searching for (thank you, subconscious), I must let it go, and head forward with this process.  I think I have done the prep-work quite well, don’t you?  Tonight begins Day 1.  Let us see what we shall find, yes?  ^-^

Can I?

With everything going the way that it’s been lately, I have a challenge for myself (among the long, long list of challenges for myself at the moment):  I want to write something introspective about myself every day until the year is out.

I don’t know if this is possible, or if this will necessarily help with the things I’m trying to work on for myself.  However, I have two journals, journals I purchased ages ago, that made me think that perhaps now is the time to work on them.  They are called “40 Days and 40 Nights: Taking Time Out For Self-Discovery” and “Soul Catcher: a journal to help you become who you really are”.  These might sound super cheesy to you, but to an 18 year old me these sounded necessary.

The problem then was that I could never finish them, like so many things now.  I understand that my ADD and my depression are linked to my inability to follow through on many things, and that the way I was raised (raising myself and my brothers beginning at age 8) make it difficult for me to understand regular schedules and a life that isn’t constantly in some form of chaos.  In fact, I seem unable (even though I’m entirely willing and desperate to do so) to organize my life, however-much I try lately.  It always devolves into that organized-chaos, and I hate it.  So perhaps if I can force myself to do this one thing every single day, then maybe, just maybe, it will start me on my road to the kind of life I want to be living.  A lady can hope, can’t she?

So I’m making this promise publicly (oh gods) to do one thing every single day that aids in my own self-discovery to get to that place that I know I want to go.  Some I will share with you all, and some I will password protect for my own mental well-being.  However, every single day… I will hold myself accountable to at least do this one thing.  I can do this.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you so much for reading my introspective thoughts.  Have a lovely day!