Permanence & Change

I feel a little bit like I’ve been avoiding this place, lately.  Not necessarily on purpose – just, I don’t think I’ve wanted to delve into my subconscious during the past couple of months.  Things in there are – dark and kind of bad, right now.  Something’s struggling to come to the surface with which I’m not entirely sure I’m prepared to deal.  I’m lonely and tired and depressed and constantly second-guessing myself.  This doesn’t seem unusual, really.  It’s just more intense than it has been in a while.  I keep wondering why I’m even trying.

This is, of course, the kind of attitude I’ve spent the past few years trying to fight off.  I know those doubts are in there; I even have a decent idea who put them in there – and parents, especially mothers, should fucking know better.  I’m tired of fighting, of people taking advantage and calling it caring, and I’m absolutely sick of – just – life, at the moment.

I’m fighting it.  I’m weary.  I can’t see anything good, right now.  I think what I need is a little break… unfortunately, only the privileged class get those.  I don’t know what to do.

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Another Relationship Rant

Sometimes little things just annoy me.  This bothered me today.

“It’s good to see that you’re still alive,” says the woman who is likely my ex now.

So, I should probably start by pointing out that I’m a little bad at confrontation, and I’m still learning to say things like, ‘No,’ which is how every single one of my previous exes has pushed me around.  I mean, it’s really amazing how good I am at finding people who will, consciously or unconsciously, happily push me around and force me into doing the things they want me to do, and nothing else.

This last situation, she told everyone including her family that I was her new girlfriend before ever checking with me on the matter.  As stated in my last post on relationships, this is the second San Francisco area relationship where the new ‘love interest’ decided we were closer than we truly were – an assumption with which I am not okay.

Now, when she finally did ask if it was okay to call me her girlfriend, I felt a bit cornered into the new title.  After all, she ‘okayed’ it with me during a party at which all of her friends were in attendance, and I couldn’t very well pull her aside to discuss how unsure I was about being in a relationship, right then, particularly when she’d already told everyone there that we were.  So, coward that I am when it comes to confrontation, I nodded and added some related anecdote – an okay.

I sort of fell out of interest with her after that.  I tried really hard to be as attracted to her as I had been before that happened, even tried to blame myself.  “Oh, it must be my depression shutting me down, again.”  Now, yes, I have been rather depressed for about the past … 20 years or so.  However, it wasn’t until Thanksgiving, when she tried to push me to go to her family’s holiday dinner, that I started to figure out what exactly was going on.

I mean, a Thanksgiving invite can be a nice thing, and I would appreciate it if, upon telling her that I had been feeling depressed and being social at that point in time would be a bad idea for everyone involved, she had backed off.  Instead, she got defensive and moody with me because I didn’t want to go.  So, rather than endure a fight, I turned off my phone that weekend.  When I turned it back on the following week, I had a text message from her and several voicemails to which I still have not listened.  The text message asked if I had had a moment to talk, but had been sent the prior week.  I didn’t want to deal with the confrontation so I didn’t respond, which is – again – a cowardly thing to do, I admit, but it’s not as though she didn’t know what was going on.  I had outright told her during our ‘argument’ that I needed to be alone when I felt like this.  She deals with depression issues, as well, so she should have understood… or so I assumed.

People who deal with depression shouldn’t be judgmental about other people who deal with depression.  My dad understands when I’m ‘too busy’ to call him sometimes for months on end, because he has the same problem.  My best friend texts me every couple of months then disappears, and I understand no matter what I’m going through.  Sometimes, people who deal with depression really just need to disappear for a while and deal with it.  After all, it’s not as though I’ve never reemerged.  I always come back.

Today, two (or has it been three?) weeks later, I emerged.  I woke up and told myself that I was going to all of my classes no matter what.  I told myself that it was going to be a productive, social day.  I pushed myself out of bed, forced actual clothes onto my body, and shoved myself onto the bus; I was at school.

Now, I understand that I may not have been as communicative as I could have been.  I’m bad at talking about my own problems, or really anything that isn’t done via writing.  I also don’t like talking to people verbally who know anything about my communicative issues, because if it’s something they’re not going to like they always use my inability to communicate verbally on the spot against me.  So I write everything, I plan out difficult conversations with a list of points to address, or I simply write it down and give that to them.  I think I’ve developed a bit of a handicap by doing this, but it’s difficult to practice tough conversations beforehand so I don’t know how to improve this.

I had to go to the class we share together.  I almost talked myself out of it.  I went.

In this class, I have a close friend who almost made me cry when, upon seeing me, she gave me a huge hug, told me how much she missed me, and instructed me to sit next to her and tell me about the past couple of weeks.  So I did.  Fifteen minutes later, the probably-ex-girlfriend walked in, but I didnt’ see her at first.  All I know is that in the middle of the conversation she interrupted us to say, as sarcastically as she could manage, “It’s good to see that you’re still alive.”

Have I mentioned that I’m A.D.D., and that I’m bad at on-the-spot conversations and interactions?

My friend was still talking.  I managed an “Oh, hi!” to the probably-ex, turned my head as my friend kept talking (trying not to lose the thread of the conversation), and when I turned back, to let her know I hadn’t forgotten about/was not ignoring her, my probably-ex was already walking away – not my best moment.  I let her go; I was too distracted to think through it properly.

Then during a class that I really didn’t want to be sitting in, I started thinking.  I thought, wait a minute!  Granted, I never responded to her last text message, and it’s always possible that there’s a voice mail on my phone from her to which I have yet to listen.  She did not, however, send any messages to see what was going on with me.  She did not take into account the deep depression, which I did warn her about when it started.  She ignored the fact that I had mentioned I could not endure the company of others in that state, at-fucking-all.  She did not try to find out if I was better, or if I even received her messages.  She has also gone months without listening to her voice mails, missing several I have left her.  She’s ignored or forgotten about or simply not responded to texts I’ve sent her, as well as emails.  So, as an opening statement, I found her response today to be completely out of line, and really rather annoying.  That’s rich coming from you (we’re taking a Shakespeare class together… I’m allowed one cliche).

So I left class without saying anything to her, knowing that, annoyed as I was, anything that came out of my mouth was likely to be far too blunt and/or unkind.  I don’t think she deserves for me to be unkind to her, so I walked away.

I think she assumed my walking away was a kind of unkindness, in and of itself.  It could be perceived as such.  It could be.

The thing is: I’m so tired of people pushing me into doing something they want me to do without considering my feelings on the matter, and then getting all upset about something I finally do to stand up for myself.  It’s not my fault that I felt pushed into a corner, and trapped into a relationship with someone.  It’s not my fault that I need a bit more time, and perhaps some real moments to feel as though I’m close to someone new.  In fact, I feel as though that is how most people who live in reality feel about being in personal situations, with very few exceptions.

Why should I just automatically trust you when you went behind my back to create this situation, in the first place?  Why should I take your feelings into account now, when you didn’t bother to consider mine in the beginning?

I’m being blunt now, and that’s something on which I need to work, I know.  However, I think that it’s best if I work on it alone, without someone who’s trying to fit me into their fantasy world without bothering to considering the reality in which I live.  Relationships are mutual.  You cannot make someone live in your fantasy without considering theirs, and you cannot force someone to feel a certain way about you without earning at least some part of it.  Maybe, I just exist too much in reality?  And, maybe, irony is just really overrated.

What Mothers Are Supposed To Do

“I know what your mother did to you when you were little, what she was, what she made you watch, what she let men do to you and it makes me so… it’s just not fair. And no one can make that better, I wish I could, I do, but if I could somehow go back there, you know, and make what was happening to you stop, I could just pick you up and just tell you it’ll all be okay. That’s what moms are supposed to do. They’re not supposed to be the cause of your pain, they’re supposed to make it go away. They’re supposed to hold you and tell you everything is going to be alright. They’re supposed to tell you that thunder is angels bowling. And that it’s okay to be afraid of the dark, and it isn’t silly to think there might be monsters in your closet. And that it’s okay if you want to climb into bed with them just this once because it’s scary in the room all alone… They’re supposed to say it’s okay to be afraid, and not be the thing you’re afraid of. But most importantly, they’re supposed to love you no matter what.”

– Jennifer ‘JJ’ Jareau (Criminal Minds “The Longest Night”)

On Assumed Intimacy & Other Relationship Lies

I’m beginning to think that all my relationships (barring those with some family members and one or two friends) have been with people who see some idealized version of me, and assume that’s the person with whom they’re in a relationship.  They don’t see or want to see the real me, and when they can no longer ignore her that’s when they’re disappointed or annoyed.  These individuals try to force me into being someone I’m not, becoming surprised and/or angry when I refuse to bow down to their mental image of ‘the perfect (girl)friend.’

To add to this, in this new city in which I now live the trend is to assume an unearned level of intimacy; a trend that I cannot understand.  Why would anyone want to pretend with another person, who has not yet actually proven they can be trustworthy, that they have shared experiences that have not been shared?  It makes no sense to me.  You cannot tell someone that the two of you ‘are really close’ when all you’ve done is share a few weeks’ worth of conversations.  That is not intimacy, it is a budding friendship – relationship, if you will.  Even sex is not enough to achieve intimacy, though it is mistakenly believed to be enough by many people.

Assuming that you’re at a greater level of intimacy with someone with whom you’re not is a shortcut that can only be pretended.  With all this fabrication going on how can anyone maintain a relationship?

This is the real reason why marriages fail – constant assumptions, miscommunications, fantasizing, and expectations of instantaneous fixes to any problems.  Until people can accept other people for who they really are this institution will continue to fall and these relationships will continue to fail.  I, for one, am fed to bursting with the idea that someone can just tell me how intimate we have become, or how I should behave in our relationship.  Your fantasies hold no sway over my mind or my actions.

Thanks for reading my relationship rant, and have a lovely day.

NaNoWriMo: Technical Difficulties

Due to a major arthritis flair-up in my right hand and wrist joints, I only wrote 904 words Thursday and none at all yesterday.  It’s still pretty uncomfortable right now, but today is Saturday and it is officially NaNoThon so I’m going to do some writing!  I plan to catch up and surpass the word count I should be at for today if I have to take double my arthritis pain meds to do it.  That sounds bad actually.  I think I’ll just suffer through the pain, keep writing, and make my word count that way – probably with lots of breaks.  Wish me luck?

Additionally, there are 4 days remaining before the fund-raising challenge is over, and I’m still only halfway to the goal!  So if you want your name or a name of your choosing to be featured in my novel, please donate!  (Click here for more details.)  I’m also not above taking pledges for word count goals: perhaps something like a penny a word?  That seems reasonable.

My current word count is 10,425.  I’ll update later on with my progress.

Good luck to everyone out there who’s currently working toward a creative endeavour.  You are all brilliant!  Thanks for reading, and have a lovely day!

And So It Begins…

It’s November 1st, and all of you writers out there know what that means: National Novel Writing Month has begun.  …and I still don’t know what novel I’m writing during the next 30 days of my life.    I have three in progress – world and character building has begun and plots are coming together in my head – but I don’t know which one I should start working on.

To start, I thought I’d taken the high fantasy off the table.  Easy as the world-building was going for me on that one, I kind of figured it’d be the one that my brain set aside come the beginning of November, but I’m so in love with the character journeys in this one (and the obvious LGBT storylines) that I’m reconsidering it.  After all, I read somewhere that if you’re sick of world-building your novel, then that usually means you’re ready to write it.  Okay, I’m not sick of world-building this one… I love working on this world!  Hmm…

Next, there’s the dystopian novel with a lead woman who’s strong without having to play all of the stereotypes of being the ‘strong female character’ of today’s books.  I like her so much; I want to tell her story.  I keep having little epiphanies about the world for this one when I’m in class or at work or lying down to go to sleep, but whenever I sit down to world-build or brainstorm about characters and scenes I just can’t think of anything.  That’s not really promising for a ‘seat of your pants’ writing adventure, but I can’t simply set it aside for some reason.

Finally, we come to the post-apocalyptic idea.  This one comes together in threads.  It has so many characters in so many situations that it’s probably perfect for NaNo in that when I get sick of writing from one character’s perspective, I can just jump to another one.  Unlike the other two, this one will be told from more than two perspectives.  (Though the high fantasy may include up to five… )  This story has a beautiful array of characters and races and species to choose from and could work quite well if I wasn’t so behind on the world-building.

So there you have it: three options.  I keep talking them out with myself and trying to justify one over the other.  Not that I didn’t consider just writing all three this month – I did – I just don’t think that’s a smart idea if I want to actually get anything done.

I just don’t know.  I don’t know, and today is the day I need to begin.  Maybe I’ll just sit down, start writing, and see which story pops up first…?  That’s as good a plan as any.

How did you choose the story you’re working on for NaNoWriMo?  Did you have other contenders?  How are you sorting them out for now, and for future work?

Good luck to my fellow WriMo’s!  Fifty thousand words: we can do it!

Thanks for reading, and have a lovely day.

Thanks to some phenominally generous donors, I’m almost halfway to my fundraising goal!

I haven’t quite reached my goal yet, though!  So please continue to donate.  Every little bit helps, from $1 to $100, I’m grateful for every single donation.

PS: If you attach your email to your donation, I’ll send you a handwritten card as a thank you.  You know you want to… I even use stickers and different colored inks to write them.  ^-^