Codependency

“Codependency is an emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual’s prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules – rules which prevent the open expression of feeling as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems.”
– Robert Subby

The groups of people who appear to have it include, but are not limited to, people in relationships with emotionally or mentally disturbed persons, people in relationships with chronically ill people, and caretakers of children with behavioral problems.

Codependents frequently react to people destroying themselves by learning to destroy ourselves.

“Relationships are like a dance,with visible energy racing back and forth between the partners. Some relationships are the slow, dark dance of death.”
– Colette Dowling

Introspection: Broken

I’ve spend a lot of my time worrying about this silly aspect of myself that no one else is likely to notice or care about. Since childhood, I listened to my mother say that our family was cursed, and that curses follow three generations of children; I’m in the third generation. Since middle school, I heard my grandmother talk about how psychologically damaged all of us children are because both of our parents have mental problems of some kind or another, and our childhoods were all screwed up by their battles. All my life, I’ve listened to what other people said about me and my brothers, and so have they. We’re broken, we’re damaged; we’re mentally unstable.

It took having someone tell me that I was a ‘sad and broken’ woman for me to think, ‘Actually, you know what, I’m really not.” The words were spoken in anger, during a break-up, so they’re not all that reliable anyway, and I am aware that I’ve been going through some shit over the past few months that have really kept me stressed out, sick, and constantly on the brink of a nervous break-down. That’s a lot for anyone to deal with, but I got through it just fine.

Yesterday, my friend asked me if I was going to respond to my ex’s nasty remarks about me on a social networking site, and without thinking I just told her ‘no’ because I honestly could care less and because there wasn’t an ounce of truth in the post. She looked at me seriously for a moment, and then said, “You’re so strong.”

It’s funny. I never really thought of myself as strong before, but after so many different people pointing that out to me over the past year or so I kind of feel silly now because I never saw strength within myself. I only saw the problems that are my constant focus so that I can work on them, and systematically remove them. Strength? That’s a good quality, and I never really factored those into my self-assessments.

So there you have it: I’m strong, stronger than I’ve ever been, and looking back I know I’ve always been the strong one in my family. I’ve been everybody’s rock for so long that I still subconsciously look for people who need to lean on me because it feels strange to be this free of outside burdens. That’s a trait on which I should be focusing, and will during the years to come. Because my path is going to require strength along with a few of my other good traits (determination, stamina, passion, patience, silence, and the child-like wonder with which I often view the world around me) to reach my ultimate goals, and allow me to continue the ongoing battle with life’s struggles.

It’s also interesting in retrospect that those seven good traits I wrote up there were written on the fly, without thinking, just typing my own thoughts as fast as I can to keep up. So I’ve known about them, I just pushed them aside for what other people have told me my whole life, which is silly because those people don’t know me half as well as I know myself so their perspectives should not be held in higher regard than my own, and that’s what I need to keep in mind for the months and years to come.

Fresh eyes: such a good quality with which to continue the long and arduous journey ahead.

Thanks for reading my introspective nonsense, and have a lovely day!

2 Days Down, 38 To Go

Well, I’m two days into my self-reflective journaling, and I’m feeling pretty good about it.  Particularly because day two challenged me already in that I was at my man’s place when it was time to journal, and I literally told him what I was doing, why, and to leave me alone for a bit so that I could work on it.  He’s wonderful, he left me alone until I let him come back.  

This is the quickest update I can manage, and I think I’ll have to leave you all with this tonight.  I feel horrible, like I’m going to be sick and like my head is trying to explode.  I have to perform my monologue again tomorrow after completely redesigning it, and this is how I’m feeling the night before.  Let me tell you… I don’t want to go in puking all over the place, and on a week I told my professor that I would, for sure, be back to work on it.  Ayayay!  Wish me luck on both my journaling and my monologue…?  

I hope you’re day has been lovely, and thank you for reading.  ^-^

Intent

The journal “40 Days and 40 Nights: Taking Time Out For Self-Discovery” asks four questions about my intentions in working on this journal, each of which I will answer for myself in the following list:

  1. What is it I wish to enhance?  My focus.
  2. What is it I wish to let go of?  Chaos.
  3. What is it I wish to discover or uncover?  Myself and My Own Mind.
  4. What is it I wish to manifest?  Balance.

Now, I did not let myself think too hard about these answers, they were a kind of ‘word-association game’ that I played with myself letting the first thing that came to mind after reading the question end up on this electronic paper.

So according to the above, my intention for this 40+ day journey is to find some balance within myself, and manifest it my own life.  Wow, that was easier than I thought it would be.

Now that I have figured out what it is I’m searching for (thank you, subconscious), I must let it go, and head forward with this process.  I think I have done the prep-work quite well, don’t you?  Tonight begins Day 1.  Let us see what we shall find, yes?  ^-^

Can I?

With everything going the way that it’s been lately, I have a challenge for myself (among the long, long list of challenges for myself at the moment):  I want to write something introspective about myself every day until the year is out.

I don’t know if this is possible, or if this will necessarily help with the things I’m trying to work on for myself.  However, I have two journals, journals I purchased ages ago, that made me think that perhaps now is the time to work on them.  They are called “40 Days and 40 Nights: Taking Time Out For Self-Discovery” and “Soul Catcher: a journal to help you become who you really are”.  These might sound super cheesy to you, but to an 18 year old me these sounded necessary.

The problem then was that I could never finish them, like so many things now.  I understand that my ADD and my depression are linked to my inability to follow through on many things, and that the way I was raised (raising myself and my brothers beginning at age 8) make it difficult for me to understand regular schedules and a life that isn’t constantly in some form of chaos.  In fact, I seem unable (even though I’m entirely willing and desperate to do so) to organize my life, however-much I try lately.  It always devolves into that organized-chaos, and I hate it.  So perhaps if I can force myself to do this one thing every single day, then maybe, just maybe, it will start me on my road to the kind of life I want to be living.  A lady can hope, can’t she?

So I’m making this promise publicly (oh gods) to do one thing every single day that aids in my own self-discovery to get to that place that I know I want to go.  Some I will share with you all, and some I will password protect for my own mental well-being.  However, every single day… I will hold myself accountable to at least do this one thing.  I can do this.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you so much for reading my introspective thoughts.  Have a lovely day!