Codependency

“Codependency is an emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual’s prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules – rules which prevent the open expression of feeling as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems.”
– Robert Subby

The groups of people who appear to have it include, but are not limited to, people in relationships with emotionally or mentally disturbed persons, people in relationships with chronically ill people, and caretakers of children with behavioral problems.

Codependents frequently react to people destroying themselves by learning to destroy ourselves.

“Relationships are like a dance,with visible energy racing back and forth between the partners. Some relationships are the slow, dark dance of death.”
– Colette Dowling

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The Countdown Resumes

When I first decided to quit my job, and go back to school to finish my college education, I began a countdown. It was in days, and I believe it started somewhere around day 71, though I could be wrong. This was a journaling countdown, written in every detail, and included things like what I was looking forward to, what I was worried about, and how I could barely stand to work my job from one day to the next for those remaining 70 days and counting. Now I am resuming that countdown.

I took a fulltime temporary position in my accounting office over the summer, thinking that I quite liked the job as well as my coworkers so that would probably be better than having to hunt down a second job, and I’m sure I was right on that point. However, working in this place fulltime has done nothing so much as remind me why I quit work to return to school in the first place. I cannot do this for much longer.

So I’m resuming my countdown: including today I have 15 days left until my vacation home, after which I return to fulltime classes, and my final semester at this school before transferring to one of the four year universities I have in mind. It might sound melodramatic, but I cannot take much more of this. The politics, the bitchiness, the laziness and resulting delegations of other people’s work…this is exactly why I left office work in the beginning. I’m done. This is not what I’m going to do with my life. I will make a living doing what I love; whatever it takes, I will.

15 days and counting!

Long Time, No…

So I haven’t been on this journal in… whew!  I’d have to check on how long.  I’ve been writing, going to school, auditioning and acting, spending time with friends, and working.  I haven’t had time to do anything, it seems like. 

DS is done, at least as far as I’m concerned it is.  Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean that my characters are done because there is some kind of revival going on with my ex and her cohorts.  (I’d say ‘our’ but they seem to have gone over to her side, and whatever horrible things have been said about me… they believed.  So clearly they were never my friends.)  I’d be less bothered by this fact if I thought the people on that rpg could do any one of my characters any kind of justice.  As it stands… no, I do not think that they can.  All I can do, really, is continue to write them into my own projects, and if a copyright question ever arises, I have screenshots. 

Might be kind of flattering, as well, though.  After all, if I played characters that people who dislike me still have to mention, whether the comments IC or OOC be negative or positive, it’d still mean they were good characters.  Any character or person one cannot go a day without mentioning… well, writers spend much of their time working on characters that are memorable for one reason or another. 

Anyhow.  I’ve spent all of my time prepping my new room for the semester, acting, and working.  I need to add working out, reading, and studying to that list, but the summer has been crazy.  New rehearsals begin for me tomorrow evening, and then I shall not have a night off again until August 11th, on which night I shall go see the new Batman movie… possibly.  Maybe I’ll even get to see someone who makes me feel… but is so busy right now that… yea.  I’d love that. 

I think I live for those nights alone with him, and yet I’m living for myself more than ever.  Not sure how that works, but I’m happy and that’s a ground breaking enough fact that I barely know what to do with myself.  I’m happy.  I’ve spent a good deal of my time thinking that it wasn’t possible.  I’m happy.  I’m in love yet I’m free.  I’m working.  I’m learning.  I’m growing.  I’m staying open so that I can continue to do all of these things.  Life as an actor is lonely, yes, eye-opening, certainly, but good; very good.  I want to SEE like this always. 

Well, that’s all for my update.  The written ones are updated much more often and are far more detailed.  For, though I understand I can type more and more quickly here, there are too many distractions on the internet for me to remember this site every night.